In January of this year, I started a weight loss program and it went really well… for a while. All was going great until I was told that we could no longer afford for “extra things.” I would like to know when my health and well being became an extra thing but in September, my program was cut out of the family budget. I had lost 80 pounds. That was the most I had ever lost and I was so proud of myself. As soon as they told me I couldn’t go anymore, it was like the light at the end of the tunnel disappeared behind a fog. I knew by trial and error that I couldn’t do this whole “lose 200 pounds thing” by myself. I had spent my entire, yes, ENTIRE life going through diet after diet after diet. I found something that actually worked and they just took it away from me like it was nothing… like I was going to be fine without it. I realize some people are probably sitting at home thinking “losing weight is so easy all you have to do is exercise and eat right.” NO. You are wrong. You are horrifically and indubitably incorrect. It isn’t easy when you have an eating disorder. Again, there are people who don’t believe that eating disorders are real but they are. I am a chronic binge eater. And no, binge eating isn’t just porking out at a buffet. Binge eating is restricting yourself all day then eating literally everything at night. A lot of the time I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. It just sort of, happens. I practically black out everything and just go at it. I think I have triggers, actually. I’ve noticed that every time I think something negative, my immediate reaction is to go eat. Also, when I look in the mirror at my body, all I want to do is eat because of how much I hate myself. I need help and I don’t know where to go. I want to change so much but I can’t do it alone. I need guidance.
I’m sorry about how long and unstructured this is but I needed to vent my feeling because it’s been a long night.